MSU Red Cedar Message Board

I'm sorry you have to handle this on your own. I watched my mom go through something similar. Many siblings and almost all of the caregiving for my grandma fell to my mom.

Is there a friend who could give you a little bit of a break? Could you hire some help to even come in for a few hours a few times a week?

Sorry to hear that. Best of luck and hope you and your mom get help soon.

FTR, this is the first and hopefully last time I say this, but YOLO.

In all seriousness though, sorry about what you're going through. My grandpa recently passed, although not from cancer. He basically held on in the last stage of life for several years, and most of the duties fell to my dad (although it wasn't 24 hour care) so I've sort of seen how tough it can be when you have nobody helping out.

While I was in going to grad school my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and 5 months later my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I was their primary caregiver while going to school full-time, working part-time, and being a TA. I learned to manage on 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I did this for 2.5 years.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how stressful and tiring it is. I know it is hard, but try and find at least one good thing to be grateful for each day. Like your mom meddling in your cooking - that isn't going to happen much longer and you'll be surprised how sometimes out of the blue you will miss something like that after she is gone.

If at all possible, and what helped me get through some of the toughest times, was having a friend whom I could go and hang out at her place for a little while in the evening after both my parents went to sleep. I am so grateful I had this place to go to even for an hour or two once or twice a week. Most of the time my friend and I didn't even talk. She would do work or watch TV and I would read. It was just really nice to know I had a place to go and have company and not have to talk if I didn't want to.

Contact hospice and see if they can provide either a nurse or a volunteer that can come once or twice a week for an hour or two to stay with your mom so you can go take a nap, or go sit in a coffee shop and read, or see if there is friend who can give you a break once or twice a week so you can have some me time. You need it and without it, you aren't much good to yourself or your mom.

Hang in there and do try and find help from hospice or a caregivers group. Check with your local hospital - they should be able to give you some resources to call.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

I actually have no problem at all with the suggestion and have certainly enjoyed my fair share of the "natural drug". His comment just seemed a little tone deaf.

I went through something similar with my parents. On the way up to see my dad in oncology post-op after his prostatectomy, my mom noticed she was having difficulty keeping her balance. A couple of weeks later, she was diagnosed with late Stage IV lung cancer. Although my dad pulled through and is still around today, we lost my mom about 8 months later; about a week and half shy of 911. That was a really, really interesting period in my life to say the least.

OP, hang tough and do the best you can. Know your limits and boundaries. Sometimes we overcompensate a little in those days, making it hard on us and even harder on the loved one. A couple of days before she passed, I basically broke down, in a manner I hadn't let myself to that point. Those hours proved to be extremely cathartic. I hope you can find your own.

Take care.

My sister is on her second run through and my older brother is now on chemo - tough times in the spartytruth family. I am at a loss as to what to do.

Stay strong. Be there for your mom. No one can imagine what she is going through.

This is good advice. County health services WILL give you a break--whether your mom has insurance or not. Lots of good people work there. Also, have you contacted hopsice care? Amazing people. Used them for both mom and dad. Truly angles on earth, some of them.

Don't know where your siblings live but its too bad they can't take turns covering for you on weekends so you can have a chance to keep your life in order while keeping the wheels on for your mother in her last days.

My mother died from cancer when I was a senior in HS. In late Feb they gave her 12-18 months and she was gone 6 weeks later on Easter. I learned that no matter how much warning you get, how well you think you are prepared for your mom's death it will still hit you like a sack of bricks. As frustrated as you may be with your siblings, keep it to yourself because your venting may upset your mom. Savor the time you have with her.

so much decency and class in this thread. As for misterorange's advice: ignore it. It won't bring your mom back and you will feel empty if you do that. I know it's tempting, and you would be justified in some ways but, again: it's not the answer. Your siblings will have to live with their actions until their deaths someday and it won't be easy. You on the other hand, have taken the high road and will be better off mentally for it in the long run. (yeah, I get sick of taking the high road too but somebody has to do it, or the world will digress into a cess pool) LOTS of folks in this thread similar to you OP...hang in there.

My Grandmother (mom's mom) lived 2 houses from my parents for the last 20 years. She was in a house that my dad provided for her. ------- I just deleted about 4 paragraphs of me ripping on my relatives. Bottom line, my mom and dad, and one brother took care of my grandmaw. When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, my mom had to split time between my dad and my grandmaw. It was a lot of work for my mom. She was worn out.

I called my brothers, and cousins and explained to them that my mom needed help. Some of them would step up for a couple days, and then back to nothing. I finally resorted to the ultimate in public humiliation, I posted it on FB. I sent a very blunt message that if people didnt step the eff up, I was coming back to MI and kicking some ass. Once again, for a couple weeks, we had results.

The last time I saw my grandmaw, she told me that my dad was her hero, that my mom was a saint. We watched Tigers baseball together. I was in town for just a couple days, but I spent chunks of each day with her because i knew it was the end. I called her every other day from that point, My mom said that it made a huge difference in her peace of mind. It lightened the load quite a bit.

I think Grandmaw would have lived a while longer if my dad hadnt gotten sick. I truly think that she gave up, because she wanted my mom to be able to give my dad more attention.

I know it sucks to have all of that responsibility, and all of that work. I have seen what it has done for my mom. It sucks.

Right now my dad is still battling cancer, my brother is fighting it off as well. Im stuck 600 miles away because this is where my job is, and my wifes job, and it doesnt make any sense to pack up and move. I also cannot afford to be there as much as I would like to help out. I talk to them everyday. But I wish I could be there in person.

One of my older brothers, even though he is an obnoxious ass most of the time, is truly a saint. He is there everyday. He helps to take care of things. He keeps me updated. He assures me that things are taken care of.

Taking care of a sick parent is a ton of work, and it will wear one person out. You need to get help from somewhere. Even it is just a friend to come over for a couple hours so you can go have a sanity break. Maybe Hospice can do that for you. I wish you all the best, and I hope you and your mother have some great times through all of this.

/rambling