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Daughter's bff's dad is a racist. what would you do?

  • So i'm driving my daughter to school along with her bff. they are 13 and starting to have crushes and boyfriends and all that crap and it's terrifying - but that's besides the point. So my daughter is asking the bff what she got for her boyfriend since it's valentine's day and she's being all sheepish about it and my daughter assures her "oh don't worry, my dad only cares about boys when it comes to me" and laughs. I haven't said a word. They chat a bit and she says something else about "he's cool as long as they are smart and nice" - the BFF responds "my dad doesn't care as long as they are smart and not black." serious as a heart attack.

    The kicker? My daughter is mixed race - half black. She got real quiet and I wanted to turn around and punch this girl in the face. Then my daughter clearly made a move to talk about boys to get beyond the incredible insult and I was proud of her and very sad. I'm going to have to talk to her about it tonight, but this has me so pissed I can't see straight. I know it's not the daughter's fault, but is this who I want my kid hanging out with? She's been very lucky to have great friends and family who accept her for who she is and never make her color an issue...it kills me to have seen this first hand, even though I knew it was going to happen eventually. fucking racist fucks.

    signature image

    boozhoo

  • pics of daughter when she's 18

    signature image signature image signature image

    East Lansing- A Drinking Town with a Football Problem

    tLonelyStoner ●

  • Do you live in Holt or Grand Ledge?

    iHEARTdelaney

  • upper decker

    Brodson ●

  • How does the BFF not know your daughter is part black?

    Posting member of tRCMB since 1997. It is ALWAYS a great day to be a Spartan!!!!

    Raytooth Morgan

  • Bob Sakimano said...

    I'd take the dad's laptop out to a backyard riddled with cigarette butts and crabgrass and put a few bullets through it..

    "Cigarette Butts and Crabgrass" would be a great title for a country song.

    Kram Oinotnad

  • I think the problem here is the dad. Yes, the daughter said it, but she's 13. Young kids repeat shit their parents say all the time, without really knowing the magnitude of what they're saying. And I'm guessing since she said it around your daughter who is mixed race, she doesn't necessarily see color when she's with your daughter, she only sees her friend.

    If your daughter took offense to the comment, encourage her to talk to the friend and say "I know you really didn't mean anything to me, but what you said was offensive and I'd appreciate if you didn't say things like that in the future."

    The dad however, well that's up to you? Do you know the guy personally? Is he always this way? I don't think your daughter hanging out with his is a problem, but maybe only allow it if it's at your house if you're uncomfortable with him. If the guy is okay otherwise, maybe he just said something out of line and it's a non-issue. Not giving him a pass, but people say dumb racist shit whether they're black, white, or purple without really thinking of what they're saying to possibly be funny or something and then go on about their lives having no problems with people of other races.

    MSUChip23

  • Sounds like your daughter did good things with it though, would be very happy about that. I don't know how someone could be racist now, I am 21 and have I don't even think about it when I see someone of another ethnicity.

    Except Wolvies.

    signature image signature image

    Michigan State University is the university of Michigan

    Bailey1149

  • Kram Oinotnad said...

    "Cigarette Butts and Crabgrass" would be a great title for a country song.

    That's Toby Keith's next single...he's one step ahead of you.

    MSULordyoda

  • boozhoo said...

    So i'm driving my daughter to school along with her bff. they are 13 and starting to have crushes and boyfriends and all that crap and it's terrifying - but that's besides the point. So my daughter is asking the bff what she got for her boyfriend since it's valentine's day and she's being all sheepish about it and my daughter assures her "oh don't worry, my dad only cares about boys when it comes to me" and laughs. I haven't said a word. They chat a bit and she says something else about "he's cool as long as they are smart and nice" - the BFF responds "my dad doesn't care as long as they are smart and not black." serious as a heart attack.

    The kicker? My daughter is mixed race - half black. She got real quiet and I wanted to turn around and punch this girl in the face. Then my daughter clearly made a move to talk about boys to get beyond the incredible insult and I was proud of her and very sad. I'm going to have to talk to her about it tonight, but this has me so pissed I can't see straight. I know it's not the daughter's fault, but is this who I want my kid hanging out with? She's been very lucky to have great friends and family who accept her for who she is and never make her color an issue...it kills me to have seen this first hand, even though I knew it was going to happen eventually. fucking racist fucks.

    You're doing the right thing talking to your daughter about it. Ask her how it made her feel hearing her friend say that, and if she thinks differently of her friend as a result. If she still wants to spend time over at her BFF's house, just make sure she knows that she doesn't have to put up with anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. If she's uncomfortable spending time over there now, go have a little chat with the BFF's father and let him know that if you ever catch wind of him saying or doing anything remotely racially insensitive to/around your daughter you will relieve him of his pathetic ignorant existence WITH AUTHORITY.

    I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. Racism is ugly and disgusting, and while she was bound to encounter it eventually it's definitely the sort of thing you want to shield her from as for as long as possible. It might be wise to take this opportunity to talk to her about the history and modern realities of racism in America. Knowledge is power. Best of luck.

    signature image

    tRCMB's resident Wayne State Warrior and Sam's Club Spartan fan.

    fishrose ●

  • RaytoothMorgan said...

    How does the BFF not know your daughter is part black?

    that's what was so shocking to me...she said it so matter of factly right to her face and clearly didn't see any problem doing so. She might have well said "my dad only cares if the boys are nice or get bad grades."

    and we live in Overland Park, KS - Johnson County is very suburbia, but more diverse than i expected. it's Metro Kansas City.

    signature image

    boozhoo

  • boozhoo said...

    So i'm driving my daughter to school along with her bff. they are 13 and starting to have crushes and boyfriends and all that crap and it's terrifying - but that's besides the point. So my daughter is asking the bff what she got for her boyfriend since it's valentine's day and she's being all sheepish about it and my daughter assures her "oh don't worry, my dad only cares about boys when it comes to me" and laughs. I haven't said a word. They chat a bit and she says something else about "he's cool as long as they are smart and nice" - the BFF responds "my dad doesn't care as long as they are smart and not black." serious as a heart attack.

    The kicker? My daughter is mixed race - half black. She got real quiet and I wanted to turn around and punch this girl in the face. Then my daughter clearly made a move to talk about boys to get beyond the incredible insult and I was proud of her and very sad. I'm going to have to talk to her about it tonight, but this has me so pissed I can't see straight. I know it's not the daughter's fault, but is this who I want my kid hanging out with? She's been very lucky to have great friends and family who accept her for who she is and never make her color an issue...it kills me to have seen this first hand, even though I knew it was going to happen eventually. fucking racist fucks.

    Don't blame your daughter's BFF. It is her cretin father. Just make sure your daughter doesn't spend anytime around her father, and remember that you might be the only influence for good in her BFF's life.

    Though multiple uses of the f-bomb in your post might prove otherwise. Hopefully you don't use that language around the kids.

    This post was edited by LoneWolfSparty on 2/14/2012 at 9:13 AM

    LoneWolfSparty

  • Bob Sakimano said...

    it's going to be a sweeping, epic country anthem... taking advantage of the polysyllabic song title to aim it's message at them more refined country music enthusiasts.. those who finished 9th grade..

    roflmaothumbsup

    signature image

    tRCMB's resident Wayne State Warrior and Sam's Club Spartan fan.

    fishrose ●

  • Pics of daughter at 8.

    Signed,
    Forbin

    Buffalo Spartan

  • fishrose said...

    You're doing the right thing talking to your daughter about it. Ask her how it made her feel hearing her friend say that, and if she thinks differently of her friend as a result. If she still wants to spend time over at her BFF's house, just make sure she knows that she doesn't have to put up with anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. If she's uncomfortable spending time over there now, go have a little chat with the BFF's father and let him know that if you ever catch wind of him saying or doing anything remotely racially insensitive to/around your daughter you will relieve him of his pathetic ignorant existence WITH AUTHORITY.

    I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. Racism is ugly and disgusting, and while she was bound to encounter it eventually it's definitely the sort of thing you want to shield her from as for as long as possible. It might be wise to take this opportunity to talk to her about the history and modern realities of racism in America. Knowledge is power. Best of luck.

    I agree with some of this, but it sounds like you think threatening the guy is going to 'solve' a problem with his daughter going over there to visit. It won't.

    To the OP, I would talk with your daughter about what she thinks of this. When my kids were her age and going through a tough time, I would just remind them that this age passes very quickly and it's temporary. I wouldn't hesitate to tell them that I had problems with some of their friends' parents and some, but certainly not all, of those problems had to do with racism. Certainly not to the extent of what you're going thru, but we did discuss things like this. But I never said they couldn't be friends with those kids where I didn't particularily like the parents.

    Long story short, my kids often started hanging out with other people. But I let them make the decision. Don't be surprised that your daughter will have a new BFF in the near future and to some extent let her handle it. It's not wrong for you to raise your concerns, but give her room to make up her own mind.

    This post was edited by Frank Ricard on 2/14/2012 at 9:15 AM

    Frank Ricard

  • MSUChip23 said...

    I think the problem here is the dad. Yes, the daughter said it, but she's 13. Young kids repeat shit their parents say all the time, without really knowing the magnitude of what they're saying. And I'm guessing since she said it around your daughter who is mixed race, she doesn't necessarily see color when she's with your daughter, she only sees her friend.

    If your daughter took offense to the comment, encourage her to talk to the friend and say "I know you really didn't mean anything to me, but what you said was offensive and I'd appreciate if you didn't say things like that in the future."

    The dad however, well that's up to you? Do you know the guy personally? Is he always this way? I don't think your daughter hanging out with his is a problem, but maybe only allow it if it's at your house if you're uncomfortable with him. If the guy is okay otherwise, maybe he just said something out of line and it's a non-issue. Not giving him a pass, but people say dumb racist shit whether they're black, white, or purple without really thinking of what they're saying to possibly be funny or something and then go on about their lives having no problems with people of other races.

    the mom is their cheerleader coach and so My daughter is with the family more than any other. she's gone out to eat with them, stayed the night, etc. makes me ill to think of what goes on his the fuck's head. i've only met him once and he seemed like your basic suburban dad. who knew.

    One thing I thought of just now: I recall my daughter saying her dad was 100% Italian....from the east coast somewhere. so it's probably more that than any Missouri/Kansas type of racism (which is rather distinct given the Civil War history here).

    signature image

    boozhoo

  • boozhoo said...

    You said the BFF was quoting her father. Do you know if she shares the same sentiment?

    FWIW, I would have taken that opportunity to get involved in the discussion at that point (in a positive manner). That way, if the BFF had any issues, it would have been with me and not my kid.

    signature image

    SeeGreen

  • No offense man but its none of your business what others think. If someone wants to be racist then that's their right to think how they want. As long as they aren't doing anything to harm you then you really have no ground to stand on. If you don't want your daughter around that then just tell her she should hang out with people whose families are racist. Trust me, there are a lot of people out there who are much more racist than that.

    This post was edited by Balls of Rice on 2/14/2012 at 9:17 AM

    Balls of Rice

  • IBW!

    LoneWolfSparty

  • tLonelyStoner said...

    pics of daughter when she's 18

    16 is legal in MI brah banana

    The_Dude

  • Buffalo Spartan said...

    Pics of daughter at 8.

    Signed, Forbin

    2/10.

    These 'signed Forbin' jokes have really run it's course, and then some. It's not original anymore or timeless when other people 'sign' for him. coffee

    The_Dude

  • fishrose said...

    I'm sorry you and your daughter have to go through this. Racism is ugly and disgusting, and while she was bound to encounter it eventually it's definitely the sort of thing you want to shield her from as for as long as possible. It might be wise to take this opportunity to talk to her about the history and modern realities of racism in America. Knowledge is power. Best of luck.

    I agree with Fishrose, unfortunately in our world everyone is going to have to run into people like this eventually, and at least this happened when you were around so you know about it and can steer your daughter in the right direction. She easily could have encountered racism among her friends and before you knew it she could have adopted some of their perceptions. If you think about it in that way, what you really have here is a golden opportunity as a parent.

    It sounds like the friend is clueless about race issues - like another poster said, she made that comment to a mixed race person, something that a person who was actively racist would never do. Just talk to her about it, see what she thinks, and have a little "The More You Know" segment.

    Also, I'd caution you to avoid jumping the gun and assuming the Dad is a KKK member. Sometimes people are just dumb and make the wrong joke at the wrong time. Obviously this guy isn't going to win Father of the Year, but make sure you know what you're dealing with before you approach him like he's a hardcore racist. Maybe it was a single tasteless remark that was meant as a joke - still gross, but it's different.

    YoungDonDraper

  • The_Dude said...

    16 is legal in MI brah banana

    Yes, but you still have to be careful of pics pre-18.

    LoneWolfSparty

  • LoneWolfSparty said...

    Don't blame your daughter's BFF. It is her cretin father. Just make sure your daughter doesn't spend anytime around her father, and remember that you might be the only influence for good in her BFF's life.

    Though multiple uses of the f-bomb in your post might prove otherwise. Hopefully you don't use that language around the kids.

    of course not. and to be clear, I would never consider confronting the dad or anything like that. i'm not violent, and it would solve exactly jack and shit. I just needed to vent i guess. it blew me away.

    I had a long talk with her a month ago about how much junior high sucks and how everyone who goes through it is miserable at some point and that it's a hard time because everyone is changing in hundreds of ways and finding their own personalities and she'll have to deal with different problems as they come but try not to get overwhelmed. told her some of my Jr. High horror stories and made her understand that her feelings were a shitty, but normal part of being 13. I guess i'll just have to add "and some otherwise seemingly nice people are actually racists deep down but that has nothing to do with you" to the talk.

    signature image

    boozhoo

  • The_Dude said...

    2/10.

    These 'signed Forbin' jokes have really run it's course, and then some. It's not original anymore or timeless when other people 'sign' for him. coffee

    Hi Forbin!

    LoneWolfSparty

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